jd yates

Hey Everyone! Sorry Ive been neglecting my diary lately. Im at work right now (been doing alot of that lately) and had a couple of spare minutes so i thought id post a little update for all my loyal readers (lol, yeah right!) Im having an internal emotional conflict. The cut-throat part of me has won over the best friend side, and ive decided take steps to secure my own financial security at the loss of a friends financial security. While that wasnt the most honorable thing to do, there are many extenuating circumstances affecting my decision. The holidays are one of the larger ones, however the largest is that i simply havent been able to make ends meet lately. This last month has been one of the most broke times of my entire life. I dont remember ever not being able to spend three dollars on a coffee at starbucks. I remember living from paycheck to paycheck before and hating that lifestyle, but never not being able to do the things i wanted to do. Money has been a great cause of stress lately, and now with christmas coming up i can hardly imagine what im gonna do to buy anything decent for my family and friends. There are those i have to think of first and they will surely be taken care of, come hell or high water, but i will have to skimp on some of the frivalous spending i enjoyed last year. So dont think i dont love you if you dont get a christmas present from me this year, its just that i dont have a penny to my name and im scrapin’ to get what i have, so ill make it up to you next year!

Anyway, on to better things. Im obviously (by that i mean obvious to others) happier than i have been recently, not by any effort or recognition on my part, but by the recognition of others. I dont know what it is, and its not coming after any specific effort, maybe it only comes when i stop trying to find it so hard?!? Well, at any rate, Im glad all my relationships are going well and that i appear to be happy about things, because i am.

Im worried about one of my friends. Im noticing a change in him, and it bothers me. Nothing to the point that i think hes a danger to anyone or himself, but i dont think hes happy with what hes doing. He isnt very used to revealing his emotional state to others, regardless of trust or previously experienced openness. This means that i have had considerable trouble getting him to talk to me or anyone else, and this isnt something i find to be a problem, normally. This tells me that im dealing with an especially closed off person, and that he has made more than a habit of internalizing his issues. if anyone knows the fallicy of internalization its me. But regardless of that common ground, among others, i still cant seem to get him to tell me what the issue(s) are. I know he would feel much better if he did, so maybe if he reads this he will recognize how much i care about his happiness and take steps to let me help him. Or maybe the issues will rectify themselves. There was a noticed improvement in his attitude this morning, which is either a sign of the issue successfully dealt with, or successfuly repressed. Its so hard to tell when he wont talk to me.

Well, id say this entry is quite long enough. I promise i will update on a regualar basis, as there are plenty of things to write about, as my life is wraught with drama, and interesting topics. I have seven minutes until i get to leave work, ive been here since ten this morning, yuck! so im gonna get my stuff together and get ready to go out for the cheapest night on the town as is humanly possible. GOODNIGHT!

There are alot of things that cause me problems in my life, but if i had to genralize one single term that qualifies as the singular baine of my existence, its stress. Stress is the thing that all those other problems produce, its the thing that sticks with you, and bothers you constantly until you relieve it somehow, its also the thing that can push you over the edge.

There are lots of ways to relieve stress, none of which have i mastered to date. I also find that I experience many different kinds of stress, each requiring its own particular outlet, thus making stress relief a stress in-and-of itself.

So…how to get rid of the stress. I wish there was a way. I wish there was some kind of “chicken soup” cure. Take two and call me in the morning. If it were only that simple. I find that the best thing to do, depending on what it is thats stressing you, is to single it out, and figure out why its causing you so much stress and then decide upon the best course of elimination.

I think I’ll just make a trip to this great mental hospital I know….and stay for a while…..a LONG while!

(and if I’m lucky, they’ll perscribe me some good drugs!)

Sometimes (NOW!), i just feel like life is too much for me to handle. Like I woke up one morning and decided to take life by the balls, and am realizing too late that it’s too much for me, and that I cant handle it. I spend a lot of time feeling like i grew up too fast, like my childhood was over before it began. Suddenly, I’m plunged into a world of bills, and deadlines, and drama, not to mention TRUE ACCOUNTABILITY, which is something I wasn’t used to dealing with up to now(not to say that I’m dealing well at all!) I find myself easily overwhelmed by these things. “Stressed out” to coin a phrase, and all too often.

My friends feel like I’m too serious all the time and that I never have any fun. They say that I bring them down. I dont know what to do about it to fix it. I cant make the stress magically dissappear. The only thing I can do is not plague with my presence any more.

My number of friends just dropped dramatically.

To look at the bright side, hopefully my stress level will take a plunge as a result, as well.