jd yates

The ghost of christmas future paid me a visit this year. I saw visions of my future self….a lonely old spinster fag with no friends, no life to speak of (aside from my 40 cats), and ousted by my family of homophobic hicks. Unpleasantness extraordinaire, mostly because spinster does NOT look good on me! Suffice it to say, a depression has come over me, the likes of which I have never seen.

I was having a bad day last week, and a guy that I work with came up to me and could tell i was in a bad mood… He tried to talk to me about it, but my instinctive internalization took over and I began dodging his questions. The next thing out of his mouth was “Have you ever thought about medication?” I was kind of taken aback for a second, and responded with “It’s never that bad…” After the last few days, I’ve come to reconsider that statement.

I feel like I’m being overly melodramatic, but I am in this inescapably miserable situation. I can’t imagine how I could be less happy with my life (and i use life in the most general and all-encompassing of terms).

Roommates are the DEVIL! I have had one for a year, and in the words of the great Ryan Short, he sucks my soul! Looking back, the decision to engage in my current lease with this person (whom we all know, so I dont have to say his name) is by far the most regrettable thing I’ve ever done. I’m not the kind of person that is prone to regret, ever, because I do my best to look at everything, good and bad, as a learning experience. This on the other hand, I fight every day not to regret, and work hard to try to find the lesson in it. I’m almost convinced that it’s just not there. I bring this horrible predicament up as the first illustration of the sources of my depression and anxiety. The problems he causes seem infinite in number… a never ending vicious cycle of fight after fight. Had he been just a friend all this time…he would be long gone now. Unfortunatley, finding such closure is impossible. I’m locked into my lease, and can’t get out of it for 9 more months. I have to live with this constant anguish for almost another year of my life. It feels like such a waste, no one my age should have to feel this way all the time. I should be out having fun with my friends and doing all the things I want to do (which isn’t to say that I don’t) but wherever I go, and whatever I do, dreading what I have to come home to pervades my every thought. It’s a sad thing when you can’t go home to a place that feels like your sanctuary, but instead, you have to come home to a warzone, 24/7. Where can I find some much needed solace?

I’m only becoming more melodramatic… I should stop this before I take it too far… Oh, but look… here I go again…

In all honesty, my Christmas sucked. I was not in the spirit this year, at all. Not for any particular reason, but just never had any real incentive to rejoice… only a constant flow of stressfull activities. Happy as I am that the whole thing is over now, all the other things that weigh on me haven’t really allowed me to recover my once crowd-pleasing jubilance.

I’ve never really considered seeking counseling, because it’s always been my firm belief that no matter what gets thrown my way, I can handle it, by myself… I know I can overcome any obstacle. On the medication issue, I have to categorize that as help, and since I stand steadfast by my previous statement, it is henceforth my decision to do what it takes, on my own… and get through this tough time. I will make it work, though in this mood, I don’t see how.

I sat down to this entry hours ago, and only made it through the first paragraph before my privacy was stolen away (see paragraph #4). Before I was able to sit back down to it, I was invited over to a friend’s house. I went with the hope that some time away from my house, and my roommate, spent with good friends would at least give me perspective enough to overcome some of these problems. At this point I realize, as I sit at home at 3:30am eating chocolate and lamenting about my life to people who won’t, can’t, or don’t want to care/understand, that I was overcome by wishfull thinking and that this battle will not be so easily won, to say nothing of the war.

Merry Fucking Christmas

P.S. This isn’t one of this “cry for help” kind of things, this is a “resolve myself to a solution” kind of thing. I’m not suicidal, so guys please don’t get worried. I know I have plenty of things to live for and that is all the motivation I need to make sure I make it through this. I wrote this to fortify myself for the long fight I know is coming. Thank you in advance for your concern. Good Night…

It’s been WAY too long since I wrote an entry. I can’t explain it with anything but a complete lack of inspiration. There was a time in my life, when a certain mood would strike me, often at the strangest of times, but that i knew if I sat down at my computer, all my thoughts would pour effortlesslly onto the keys. That time has, I’m afraid, long passed. I’ve been really busy lately, I think the holiday season keeps everyone pretty busy. Lots of parties, lots of work, warding off sickness often with little luck, etc…

Now, here I sit, determined, in front of my computer, sleeves rolled up in a hollow effort to force my muse.

explanation of current mood: (because it seems the most obvious thing to write about, and allows me to go to bed sometime this millenium.)

I have love issues. But who doesn’t right? The best summarization I can come up with is this…. I can’t find it. I don’t know where to look, and a mad desire to experience it drives me to look in all the wrong places. Then, when I do find something I think might hold potential, there’s always some kind of complication, i.e. distance, reciprocation, sexuality/availability, etc… I feel like because I want it… need it… it’s held just barely beyond my reach. Love is god’s way of teasing us.

I’m probably stating the obvious, but unrequited love is THE WORST! Love is way to dramatic a term, but used anyway for lack of an adequate replacement. I’ve recently been afflicted with this, what could easily be described a disease, the gay man’s plague…..and it feels like a kick in the nuts to your self-esteem… the kind that leaves that lasting pain that turns your stomach. The lovee (since he will remain nameless, and very likely read this…) is really a great guy, and to say that he doesnt feel anything toward me is not to make any judgement of his character at all. I don’t know him near as well as I want to, but as far as I do, he’s shown me nothing but what a great person he is, both inside and out. My roomate made a comment to me yesterday… something along the lines of “…your very different from me, your able to find the beauty in people on the inside before you even really know them, and by then it doesnt matter what they look like….for me I have to have something cute to look at first, and I work from there…” Which isn’t to say that he isn’t gorgeous either (great abs/chest…mmmm), but that’s not why I have feelings for him, I like him because of what I know is on the inside, and that which I am just waiting (and waiting, and waiting, and waiting) for him to show me. He’s smart, wonderfully funny, and fun loving… always laughing, always smiling. He’s got a wonderful set of friends, whom i now have the priviledge of knowing, and which is also a testament to my judgment of his character. There’s something about this boy, I cant altogether explain it, but he’s got what I want.

Now I am faced with an obvious need to stop my advances, based entirely on a complete lack of response, but I’m finding it ever difficult. You hate to give up hope when there’s still a chance… he’s not saying yes, but he’s not saying no either. I know the lack of response is a def. negative, but it lends itself to questions…. is he thinking about it? is he just letting me do it cuz he likes the attention? is he worried about hurting my feelings? etc… I know it must have something to do with the fact that his head is up his ass, otherwise he might realize just what a good thing he’s missing out on (I say this, only in a desperate effort to repair my damaged self esteem *shudders and shelters crotch area* after a seeming rejection). I’m told he just recently got out of a relationship and that he is still enjoying being single (which for my str8 readers means going out alot, and making out with lots of random boys on the village dance floor.) Not an altogether healthy practice, which adds a little desire to save the poor boy from his own self-destructive habits… not a good thing to add to the mix. All the circumstances make it that much harder for me to stop liking him, but again, I know I must. Hopefully now that I’ve gotten all of this out, instead of my usual tactic of internalization, I can move on and continue my quest for something trully special.

explanation of current music:

Does it need one? I’m depressed… and I need some answers….