jd yates

THE QUESTIONS

1. Why do you think you are such a downer on your journal? (we’re starting with the big guns here)

I find that my journal is most therapeutic when I show the emotion in it that I don’t show day to day. It’s objective in a way, because after reading what I’ve written, I have a better understanding of what I’m feeling, almost as if the person writing it was completely detached from the situation. I think the fact that I’ve been a downer is the product of my mood in reaction to events in my life. I feel sure that when I get my house in order, my journal will start to look more positive accordingly. I’m looking forward to it.

2. You’re very honest about your fear of confrontations. What part of your personality or history do you think dictates such a fear?

I don’t know where this question came from. I am absolutely not afraid of confrontation, as a matter of fact I would go so far as to say I thrive on it. Greg probably knows this better than anyone else (he’s rhetorically challenged). I’ve always said that I couldn’t be with someone who can’t handle an argument with me. Any boyfriend of mine needs to be able to dish it out just as well as I can!

3. Besides me, of course, who is one person you admire socially and why?

Chris Jones. This should be understood without ANY explanation. For those of you not fortunate enough to know him, he is wonderfully funny, witty, and cute. He’s famously fashionable, incredibly compassionate and kindhearted towards his friends, and dedicated to his art. Not to mention his astounding confidence, he shines when he walks into any room. The definition of a social butterfly. Those of you who do know him, thank your lucky stars.

4. If you could star in a movie, who would you cast as your supporting ensemble?

Ryan Short, to fire all the writers, and to make sure I looked nothing short of fabulous at all times. Chris Jones, because every movie needs a token black guy! Not to mention that he can put a smile on my face like few others. David Spielman to ensure that my movie contained ample portions of both intelligence and wit. Kyle Turner, because what would my movie be without drama *and we need someone who can stand up to the str8 people*. Lastly, Ryan Haggerty, because at least one of us needs to APPEAR straight!

5. A recycled question, but how has being friends with your current group changed your personality for the better? For the worse?

Lets cover “For the worse” first… Something I hoped never to be seen as is stuck-up. Then I came out. It’s impossible to be a member of gay society and not at least try to weed out the trash. So while most would consider that “For the worse”, I don’t. As far as “For the better” goes, I really feel like this group has given me greater confidence to be my own person, and shown me that, hard to find as they may be, there are great people in this community. This group has inspired a new level of respect from me, and I plan to hold on to them.

THE RULES
1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I will respond; I’ll ask you five questions.
3. You’ll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4. You’ll include this explanation.
5. You’ll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

I find myself unable to explain my complete lack of ability to commit. It wasnt very long ago that I decided that this journal would be a healty outlet for me, and that to that end I would faithfully pour all my feelings into it on a very regular basis. I havent been so faithful lately. Now I come back to it, lost…with a slew of excuses like I’m explaining myself to someone I’ve disappointed, when in actuality, the person I’ve disappointed is me. In that sense, I am glad, because it means that this journal holds a deeper place in my heart than most of it’s counterparts do to their writers. Its a roundabout way of saying that i really feel like this journal is a true reflection of my feelings, my innermost thoughts, and a fantastic subject for self psycho-analysis. It is a reflection of myself, and I know how let down I would feel if my closest confidant went a month without sharing his life with me. Thus, I come back to it now, with nowhere else to turn and my mind bursting at the seams awaiting the much needed release that only my journal can offer. Choosing a topic will be difficult, but the following is my best effort.

On the eve of what is most memorably the second anniversary of my coming out, I find myself faced with ceaseless uncertainty regarding my decision. Have I made the right choice? What effect will it have on the rest of my life? Am I happy with the changes my life has gone through so far? It’s hard to imagine being happy, and looking forward to the rest of my life knowing that I’ve made one decision in particular that will make it easily ten times more difficult in every possible way. I’m not even entirely sure that I’m happy now. Isn’t that supposed to be the main reason for suffering all the consequences of coming out? I should be happier with myself for it. I suppose in a way I am, because an ideal that I hold above all else is that of “being true to oneself”. My coming out is a testament to my faith in that belief, it was the driving force that led me to my decision. I wish I could say where I would be now, if I had chosen to stay closeted, or had I never been gay at all. Would either be preferable to my current situation? I must learn to live with the life that I have constructed for myself, I know…but understanding the lasting effects of making my sexuality known to the public is beyond my comprehension. What if Fate had chosen the perfect woman for me to spend my life with, and I, the impetuous 18 yr. old boy, threw a wrench into the whole plan? This means missing a potentially fulfilling life with a wonderful family, and a house with a three car garage. Would this life really fulfill me? What insanely lucrative job offers will narrowly pass me by, due solely to something as trivial as my sexual nature, my basist of instincts? What could be less work related? Yet I see that scenario not as a possibility, but an eventuality. What if some redneck somewhere decides he wants to make a martyr out of me, and the next thing you know, I’m on the front page of every newspaper with the headline “Gay Lynching”.

Living in a world where I have to think about things as horrific as the possibility of being dragged behind some bumpkin’s ford because I told him I prefer the company of men makes me want to scream. Then I realize that screaming wouldn’t change the world, but a government official can. This is by no means a task that I feel comfortable leaving in the hands of my local state representative. The equal rights movement will not be satisfied by the bumpkin in the ford’s cousin. With that, I would like to announce my candidacy for the presidency of the United States of America… if only. I would however like to consider the possibility of making the move into politics after law school. Perhaps a change of my undergrad major is in order as well, but then how many polysci potheads do i want to hear quoting Locke all day?

This entry went from really deep to really cynical, probably overly dramatic on both counts. With that I think I’ll set this down for the night, and come back to it fresh in the morning. Good Night.